This is the face of bipolar disorder.
Wait. Let me back up by saying that yesterday's 5K was one of the scariest races I've ever endured and at this point in my running career, I've had many bad races. It was hot and muggy, seriously the air was like soup. Couple that with a 6:30 PM start and this 43 year old mom of 2 was in over her head. Not to mention that grief is exhausting. If getting out of bed is a chore these days, then running a 5K is a recipe for disaster.
I knew if I pushed through the exhaustion that I would likely become manic. And I did. My body was giving me all the signs that it needed rest but I didn't listen. The girls had to, in my mind, go to the Old Home Days parade and the events after so I pushed. I had to make hours up for work so I pushed. I had to do 5 loads of laundry or I'd fall behind so I pushed. Well, I pushed myself right into a manic episode.
The thing about going manic is you don't have control over it. You know it is happening but you can't do anything about it. It's like watching yourself in a movie while cringing the entire time. I've noticed that I act like that annoying drunk girl in college that you would see at all the frat parties. Yeah, I annoy me too.
ANYWAY. See that's another sign of Bipolar - excessive talking. When I stopped sleeping, I reached out to my psychiatrist because for someone with bipolar, not sleeping is NO BUENO. I've done it. I've slept 4 hours a night and then ran around like the energizer bunny for 20 hours before crashing just to wake up after 4 hours and do it all again. Usually by day 4 I'm in a world of hurt. I'm now on a new medication but it will take awhile to take effect. Until then, I roll with it.
I'm finding that the new medication is affecting my blood sugar. I have all of the symptoms of hypoglycemia, just not a diagnosis. I normally keep my carb count very low thanks to a family history of diabetes but I've had to work some back in. Well, as you can imagine, low blood sugar and running a hot and humid 5K don't mix.
BUT, being manic is the best time to run one! Some of my fastest races are from when I was literally burning off the crazy. This time the mania served me well for the first mile. I ran it in 9 minutes. Normally, I go out at a 10 or 10:30 to start. Not this time. Eventually, by mile 2 the weather conditions and late start got to me and I was S-L-O-W. I was stop and walk up the gently rolling incline that is Mammoth Rd in Londonderry. Eventually, I picked up the pace... just barely.
Luckily, I was with my BRF so I was safe. She stuck with me even though we always say, "Run your own race." She made sure we crossed the finish line together. I knew I was in trouble so I searched for the Powerade. No Powerade. No bananas. Nothing that could get my blood sugar up. Ah, an ambulance, that's where I'll go. Luckily, my blood sugar was at 103 - normal. After sitting for a bit and drinking my electrolytes that said BRF brought from her car, I was able to get back on my feet. I can't say that I ever felt better that night even when I did manage to find sugar - some of my Mom's Lifesavers from her funeral service in my BRF's car. Thanks, Mom!
As you can imagine, this is not what I thought this race would teach me about myself. I like to think that each race is a lesson for me about myself. I think the lack of oxygen in the air caused me to go a little too deep here.
Oh, and the whole bipolar thing? I've known for almost 2 years but didn't tell my Mom until just a few weeks before she died.
Make the phone call.
