I Came. I Saw. I Had Anxiety. I Left.

Since it's almost Vivi's fourth birthday, it seems timely to tell this story now. 

When I was 7 or 8 months pregnant, I broke my back. Of course, because I was pregnant, I didn't have x-rays for another year when I finally stopped trying to "tough it out" and took my PCP's offer to refer me to a sports medicine doc for help.

X-rays confirmed that I have a compression fracture in my thoracic spine - a break common in 80 year old women with osteoporosis. Luckily I'm neither of those things, but I am in chronic pain. 

Fast forward to 6 months ago when I asked my PCP for a medical marijuana card. Yes, New Hampshire is a party pooper and won't legalize it. I barely got the words out of my mouth before he agreed - that's how bad this break is. For the last 6 months now I've been visiting my local state approved, New Hampshire just needs to get over themselves already, "Alternative Therapeutic Medicine" shop.

Today when I popped in, I was wearing this shirt. A shirt that made my therapist laugh while simultaneously shaking his head when I showed it to him. It didn't take long for the staff there to notice, laugh with me and share their own anxiety stories. 

"I pulled into Target once, saw how many cars were there and promptly pulled away."

I find this so relatable. I time my shopping trips for when I know stores will be the least crowded. Thursdays around 10 am are a good time to shop the Aldi in Derry. I know it's sacrilegious to say but I cannot stand Market Basket. You can't get in and out quickly and you're almost always engaged in a game if bumper cars against your will.  

Another customer overheard their comments and asked to see my shirt. She laughed and commented, "it's nice that we are at a place where we can openly admit that and laugh about it."

It is, isn't it?

For someone who holds quite a few mental health diagnoses, it's comforting to know there are others out there that are fighting some of the same invisible battles as me. 

If you are a fellow anxiety sufferer, come sit next to me. You'll be in good company. Please only one at a time. Also, don't engage in small talk or get in my personal space because then I'll have to leave.

Radio Silence Explained

Is it possible to enjoy NOT running?

That is what I almost titled this blog post, but that's doesn't encompass everything that I want to talk about.

Some of you may have noticed that I've been rather quiet the last few weeks and some might even have been wondering why.

Well, a big part of it I can't talk about now, but I will soon. It might sound cague, but I just haven't felt well and running has just made me feel worse lately. Some of it is the pressure of working out, that I HAVE to get it done or I'm somehow a terrible person (my anxiety rearing it's ugly head).  A larger part is that I'm just burnout and need to work on finding my enjoyment in it again.

I do find the time to do some exercises like planks, squats, tricep dips and pushups but none of it at the level I had been doing them before.

What have I been doing if I'm not running?  Sleeping for one!  Or trying to as I suffer from Adrenal Fatigue. Life in general has kept me pretty busy especially with the holidays upon us.

Recently, we took our 4 year old daughter to The Nutcracker. She loves dance class so we thought she get a kick out of it. To our surprise, she seemed more interested in the orchestra!

I also used my extra downtime to start and FINISH my Christmas shopping.  Since my daughter wanted a bike, I headed to Wal-Mart to find a good deal.  I counted the fact that I had to push the bike, 40 pounds of kitty litter, 13 pounds of cat food and various other supplies through the store all while blissfully child and husband free. 

Seriously, it's all good though. I'll get through this rut and get back on me feet running when I am both mentally and spiritually ready.