I Came. I Saw. I Had Anxiety. I Left.

Since it's almost Vivi's fourth birthday, it seems timely to tell this story now. 

When I was 7 or 8 months pregnant, I broke my back. Of course, because I was pregnant, I didn't have x-rays for another year when I finally stopped trying to "tough it out" and took my PCP's offer to refer me to a sports medicine doc for help.

X-rays confirmed that I have a compression fracture in my thoracic spine - a break common in 80 year old women with osteoporosis. Luckily I'm neither of those things, but I am in chronic pain. 

Fast forward to 6 months ago when I asked my PCP for a medical marijuana card. Yes, New Hampshire is a party pooper and won't legalize it. I barely got the words out of my mouth before he agreed - that's how bad this break is. For the last 6 months now I've been visiting my local state approved, New Hampshire just needs to get over themselves already, "Alternative Therapeutic Medicine" shop.

Today when I popped in, I was wearing this shirt. A shirt that made my therapist laugh while simultaneously shaking his head when I showed it to him. It didn't take long for the staff there to notice, laugh with me and share their own anxiety stories. 

"I pulled into Target once, saw how many cars were there and promptly pulled away."

I find this so relatable. I time my shopping trips for when I know stores will be the least crowded. Thursdays around 10 am are a good time to shop the Aldi in Derry. I know it's sacrilegious to say but I cannot stand Market Basket. You can't get in and out quickly and you're almost always engaged in a game if bumper cars against your will.  

Another customer overheard their comments and asked to see my shirt. She laughed and commented, "it's nice that we are at a place where we can openly admit that and laugh about it."

It is, isn't it?

For someone who holds quite a few mental health diagnoses, it's comforting to know there are others out there that are fighting some of the same invisible battles as me. 

If you are a fellow anxiety sufferer, come sit next to me. You'll be in good company. Please only one at a time. Also, don't engage in small talk or get in my personal space because then I'll have to leave.

It's the second shot that almost didn't happen. 😬

Word to the wise, when you put your driver's license in your running jacket for a race, PUT IT BACK IN YOUR WALLET.

If I thought the line at the vaccination site was long at 10:40 am, it was even longer by 11:30 am. An hour and a half later, after carrying a very tired, 35 pound 3 year old for a good chunk of that time, I got shot # 2!

All of the "congratulations" I received after, more than made up for it. Two weeks until full immunity!

Photo credit: Vivienne, said 3 year old 

Tired

Tonight's speedy one mile run was brought to you by the word "tired".

As in, I'm tired of fighting with people to do their jobs. 

I'm tired of doing the same things day in and day out. 

I'm tired of near misses and close contacts. 

I'm tired of not getting straight answers. Don't bullshit a bullshiter is all I'm saying. 

I'm tired of my mental illnesses. 

I'm tired of adjusting my meds.

I'm tired of my undiagnosable physical ailments. Hello, medical specialists. 

I'm tired of not being able to express myself properly. 

I'm tired of my ADHD making even menial tasks hard and even near impossible to complete. 

I'm tired of being tired. 

Anybody know what I mean?

Smiling Through the Pain

This morning's run (7 in a row) was much needed. Thank you old school hip hop for getting me through it!  You see, even though I am smiling in my picture, I am not OK. God, I love my almost 3 year old but I'm at my breaking point with no rest in sight.  She wakes up at 6 am screaming at the top of her lungs and doesn't stop until her head hits the pillow at night.  I can't pass her off to her Dad because she wants nothing to do with him, she's attached to my hip, which means I now have two people to comfort. 

So why am I smiling?  Because I've been taught to mask the depression, anxiety and pain. I've been taught that people will like you more if you don't show it. I've been taught I have to keep the peace so I should just deal. I've learned it's easier to apologize even when I'm not in the wrong. Don't even get me started on the toxic positivity I was fed - it could take up an entire therapy session. "Look on the bright side! Just smile!  Think positive!" Well, that's bullshit. It's unhealthy.  Feelings are meant to be shared and not boxed away. 

It's OK to not be OK.

 #mentalillnessawareness