Monday, October 17, 2016

Silencing the Bully in My Head

You've gained weight.

You're faking it - you're not injured.

Stop eating your emotions.

You can't do this anymore.

You weren't meant to run. 

You were never an athlete and you aren't one now. 

You're fat and old and you should just give up.

These are just a few examples of what the Bully who lives in my head says to me on a daily basis.
My obesity struggle has been a life long one which feeds into my lack of self confidence. Honestly, I think the lack of self confidence is harder to overcome than the  weight issue. I've been fat all of my life so I know how to lose it. I just don't know how to have the confidence to keep it off or to believe in myself.

Turning off the bully that lives in my head was challenging this summer. It hit its peak when I realized that my foot pain wasn't just some soreness that would go away with a little rest. It was in fact an injury, plantar fasciitis to be exact. I was repeatedly told to stay off my feet and stop running by doctors. "Rest!  You're body needs rest!" They'd tell me. So I did. I was given clearance to use our rowing machine but even that hurt to use at times - little did I know it was more my shoes than the physical activity at the time.

I was lazy per doctor's orders.

Without the ability to run I started to question myself, "Am I even a runner anymore?"  I felt awful. I was in pain. The only way to feel better was to do what I've been taught - eat. Eat all of the food that brings me comfort in an effort to ease the pain.

Seriously,  plantar fasciitis is no joke. I feel like I am wakling on hot daggers with every step. No medications were helping me. Ibuprofen wouldn't touch it. I had 2 cortisone shots in each foot and felt worse afterwards. The intense pain level took its toll on me not just physically but mentally too.
I fought to keep from falling down the dark hole of depression.

All the while the bully in my head, that nasty little voice that is always there judging and critiquing me l, kept right on telling me how fat I was getting that I should just stop running altogether because I'm not worth it.

So when my half marathon came around and I had barely trained for it I willed the weather gods to do their thing so it woks be cancelled due to a thunder storm. Anything to keep me from having to run in agony or even worse to not complete it.

But that didn't happen. It rained for the race alright. The whole time as if the weather gods were laughing at my silent request.

It wasn't pretty but I finished that damn race, all 13.1 miles of pounding pain and dare I say I came out the other side stronger for it? 

If I can run a half marathon feeling like I was running on hot, sharp goals with each step then, I began to wonder, what else am I capable of?

Now, that bully hasn't completely gone away she's just quieter now.  Running helps combat her.  

With that race conquered, I now have the freedom to start over to bring my training back to the basics.

Time to work on getting stronger both physically and mentally.

I am worth it and I need to believe that.